More Children?

Today was the due date of our baby.

I've since moved on, and really came to an acceptance of it.  That first month or two were pretty difficult times for me.  I relied on my husband a lot to keep our home and family moving, I was a couch potato.  It took all I had to go to work everyday and make it through it.  This is one of the main drivers that got me starting running.  (More about my running later!)

This summer, I spent a lot of time evaluating my life, deciding what I want, and prioritizing.  I am more comfortable with myself now than I have ever been.  I think God had a plan; I think I needed to have this time to take a look at myself, my family, and my marriage before we were prepared to introduce another little blessing into our family.  (I'm confident we would have been wonderful if we'd had a baby today though too.)

But as I've grown to this adult I am now, another child has been in the back of my mind since the day we discovered we weren't going to be having a baby this year.  Immediately following my surgeries and the steps back to a normal life, I was adamantly against it.  I wasn't mentally prepared for it, and I wasn't sure it was what I wanted.

We could be happy as a family of four.  There are a lot of opportunities and things you can do with two kids, that you can't do with 4.  (I feel strongly about having an even number of kids.)  Our family is already slightly complicated, and adding more kids to it would only further that. 

Then there is the option of a dog.  Which I've also thought about lately.  I was in a big I want a dog phase after we lost our pregnancy.  It's what I wanted to fill that hole.  Luckily, I had enough sense not to do it, but I still think about it sometimes, but if there's a chance we're going to have more kids, I'm not ready for a dog!  One think I know, I do want a dog in the future.  When is the question here too!

More recently I've started thinking about what a big family would mean.  I've thought about how great it would be for there to be siblings to support each other into adult hood.  I've wanted a sister since I got my baby brother at the age of 2.  And even now, sometimes I think about what it would be like to have a sister, while I can't guarantee that I'd have boys are girls, they're siblings that they would hopefully build lasting relationships with.  I've thought about how when we're old it'd be so wonderful to have a big family gather with all of our children.  (I love having gatherings at our house!)  I thought about how I don't want them to be too far apart from the twins in age, and how a family of six might be.  (I think I'd need a bigger kitchen table!)  And I was ready for it.  Well, maybe not just yet, but soon!  (We have a trip to Disney planned with the four of us, my parents, and my in-laws for the boys 5th birthdays in May.  I certainly don't want to be pregnant for that trip!)

Then, there was our Labor Day Picnic this year.  Sparing all the family drama, I'll give you the short story, because I've clearly had plenty of other things to say judging by the length of this post.

My husband comes from a family of 4 plus 3 more step-siblings.  It's what I'd call a pretty large family, and there is often drama.  We hosted a picnic some of our family this weekend, and wouldn't you know, my two Sister-in-Laws got into a fight right there in my driveway.  Fortunately, I was inside my house, but I know a few people came inside shortly afterward because of the uncomfortable feeling of it all, and the party ended shortly there after.  I think my Mother-in-Law was embarrassed by their behavior. 

My husband and I were talking about the day later that evening, and what happens in big families.  The increased chance for fights and that dreaded drama.  My husband admits, his family may not be the best pictures to paint of a larger family, but it has me thinking about the possibilities in a larger family.  My hope is that we would raise our kids so that those concerns of mine wouldn't be an issue, but I can't guarantee that either. 

And now, I'm on the fence again and back to where I was before.  A family of four, or a family of six?

And if we choose to go for more, I worry.  What if our next attempt at pregnancy fails too?  I'm not prepared to deal with the emotional stress of that again.  But I've thought about adoption too, it's something I've always wanted to do, and it's unofficially happened for me with my boys, and that makes me smile.  I've thought about foster parenting too, and I still think about that being something I'd like to do sometime.  I think it would be very fulfilling, and with my experience in our blended family, I think we could really make a difference there too if we committed to it!

I pray about it often, and we'll see where this crazy journey in life takes us!  Whatever it holds, I'm excited for it!