Strange Questions

So when I find out I was pregnant, before we knew it was another miscarriage, I called to set up my first appointment with the nurse.

It was quite the experience, as it usually is when trying to schedule and appointment with the Cleveland Clinic.

I'm used to them asking many questions when you're making an appointment, but when I was calling with a pregnancy this, this question caught me by surprise.

It went something to the effect of "is this appointment a result of a work-related injury or accident?"

In my head, my response was: "um, yes, I tripped over a stapler and now I'm knocked-up."

The Second Time Around

On January 16, 2010, I peed on a stick for the first time in my life.  A positive result for us!  Exactly 1.5 years later, July 16, 2011, I did it again.  Another positive result!

Unfortunately, this pregnancy ended with the same fate as our first.

This past Sunday, I noticed that something wasn't right.  After spending the afternoon in the emergency room and a follow up appointment on Monday, the confirmed, what I already knew.  That we were having a miscarriage. 

The second time around isn't any easier.  I knew a little bit more about what to expect from my body, but it still isn't any easier. I haven't gone back to work yet, and the thought of it isn't coming easy.

I started blogging, because of my first experience, and I'm back here again, blogging about it again.  Looking back at that first post of mine.  I can certainly say the answer to that question is yes. 

We didn't tell anyone this time around.  And if you know me in real life and are reading this, I'd prefer you keep it that way please.  If that's our desire, why write this post?  Because there is a part of me that needs put it out there, to process, to remember and move on. 

I don't want to talk about it.  I just want to be sad for awhile.  

A Reminder

I just finished reading Nichole from In These Small Moments blog, and while I'm not nearly as fluent of a writer, it inspired me to put my thoughts on today into words.

My husband had an upper endoscopy this morning.  I was worried about it.  I'm a worrier; it's part of what I do.  He reassured me it was just precautionary.  After the procedure, he also confessed he was worried too. 

The details of today are irrelevant really.  Everything turned out just fine.

The thing about today, is that was a big reminder in my mind to his colonoscopy nearly a year ago.  You see, he had that procedure on a Monday in January.  The prior week, I'd been to my first pre-natal appointment with my doctor.  We left that appointment knowing there were two possibilities.  1) We weren't as far along in our pregnancy as we thought we were.  2) There was no fetal development.


My doctor wouldn't have results of some blood tests for us until Monday. 

After Keith's colonoscopy, we had breakfast and then were headed to my mom's to pick up our boys when my doctor called.  She confirmed that the pregnancy wasn't developing and that I was to have another ultrasound that afternoon.  I quickly pulled over to the nearest parking lot, and sat there in tears holding my husbands hand, who was still feeling the effects of the anesthesia from his procedure. 

I know he was exhausted that day.  I would soon learn what it felt like to trudge through a day after those powerful medications.  He was a trooper.  He made phone calls to our families and I sent text messages to friends and co-workers.  I made a tearful phone call to my boss at the time, and prepared to have some time off work.  I still had several ultrasounds and appointments before we proceeded with the D&Cs, but we carried on.

Today, we were back in the same clinic he had the colonoscopy for his procedure.  It also happens to be the same clinic I had some of my ultrasounds in.  It brought back a flood of emotions.  I remembered those feelings; thought about our wee one, and reminded myself how grateful I am for the life we do have and how far we've come since this day.

Although, I'd still prefer to not be back in that building again for some time.  I can't believe it's been almost a year. 

Baby Showers

Let's face it, can any of you actually say you enjoy going to baby showers?

Don't get me wrong, I think babies are a wonderful blessing and we should celebrate it, but showers are definitely not my thing. 

This past weekend hubby and I went to a baby shower.  My hubby's best friend and his girlfriend are expecting and at due in mid to late January.  I know my hubby's friend, but I've never met his girlfriend.  (Awkward point #1)

I also don't know anyone in attendance at the baby shower.  (Awkward point #2)  My mother-in-law had to come early and leave because they had a wedding to attend. 

There was one person there I'd met twice, once at her wedding (she married another of hubby's friends) and once at my wedding.  We made small talk, which in case you forgot from my Thursday post, I suck at.  During the chatting, she asked if I was pregnant.  (Awkward point #3)  I think she missed the memo on what happened earlier in our year.  I was very polite about it, as I know her and her hubby had just been through a miscarriage.

Until half way through the baby shower, I didn't even know which person there was the pregnant girl.  (Awkward point #4)  I've still not met her.  I slid out the back door after the presents were opened to join the men outside before making an early exit with hubby.

Speaking of, hubby got to hang out outside with his friends for the hour or so we were there.  I was rather jealous.

This isn't really deserving of a 5th awkward point, but I did find it somewhat distasteful to have pre-printed thank you notes to pass around the room from a basket after the shower.  Maybe I'm old fashioned, but I much prefer handwritten or those with a personal touch. 

More Children?

Today was the due date of our baby.

I've since moved on, and really came to an acceptance of it.  That first month or two were pretty difficult times for me.  I relied on my husband a lot to keep our home and family moving, I was a couch potato.  It took all I had to go to work everyday and make it through it.  This is one of the main drivers that got me starting running.  (More about my running later!)

This summer, I spent a lot of time evaluating my life, deciding what I want, and prioritizing.  I am more comfortable with myself now than I have ever been.  I think God had a plan; I think I needed to have this time to take a look at myself, my family, and my marriage before we were prepared to introduce another little blessing into our family.  (I'm confident we would have been wonderful if we'd had a baby today though too.)

But as I've grown to this adult I am now, another child has been in the back of my mind since the day we discovered we weren't going to be having a baby this year.  Immediately following my surgeries and the steps back to a normal life, I was adamantly against it.  I wasn't mentally prepared for it, and I wasn't sure it was what I wanted.

We could be happy as a family of four.  There are a lot of opportunities and things you can do with two kids, that you can't do with 4.  (I feel strongly about having an even number of kids.)  Our family is already slightly complicated, and adding more kids to it would only further that. 

Then there is the option of a dog.  Which I've also thought about lately.  I was in a big I want a dog phase after we lost our pregnancy.  It's what I wanted to fill that hole.  Luckily, I had enough sense not to do it, but I still think about it sometimes, but if there's a chance we're going to have more kids, I'm not ready for a dog!  One think I know, I do want a dog in the future.  When is the question here too!

More recently I've started thinking about what a big family would mean.  I've thought about how great it would be for there to be siblings to support each other into adult hood.  I've wanted a sister since I got my baby brother at the age of 2.  And even now, sometimes I think about what it would be like to have a sister, while I can't guarantee that I'd have boys are girls, they're siblings that they would hopefully build lasting relationships with.  I've thought about how when we're old it'd be so wonderful to have a big family gather with all of our children.  (I love having gatherings at our house!)  I thought about how I don't want them to be too far apart from the twins in age, and how a family of six might be.  (I think I'd need a bigger kitchen table!)  And I was ready for it.  Well, maybe not just yet, but soon!  (We have a trip to Disney planned with the four of us, my parents, and my in-laws for the boys 5th birthdays in May.  I certainly don't want to be pregnant for that trip!)

Then, there was our Labor Day Picnic this year.  Sparing all the family drama, I'll give you the short story, because I've clearly had plenty of other things to say judging by the length of this post.

My husband comes from a family of 4 plus 3 more step-siblings.  It's what I'd call a pretty large family, and there is often drama.  We hosted a picnic some of our family this weekend, and wouldn't you know, my two Sister-in-Laws got into a fight right there in my driveway.  Fortunately, I was inside my house, but I know a few people came inside shortly afterward because of the uncomfortable feeling of it all, and the party ended shortly there after.  I think my Mother-in-Law was embarrassed by their behavior. 

My husband and I were talking about the day later that evening, and what happens in big families.  The increased chance for fights and that dreaded drama.  My husband admits, his family may not be the best pictures to paint of a larger family, but it has me thinking about the possibilities in a larger family.  My hope is that we would raise our kids so that those concerns of mine wouldn't be an issue, but I can't guarantee that either. 

And now, I'm on the fence again and back to where I was before.  A family of four, or a family of six?

And if we choose to go for more, I worry.  What if our next attempt at pregnancy fails too?  I'm not prepared to deal with the emotional stress of that again.  But I've thought about adoption too, it's something I've always wanted to do, and it's unofficially happened for me with my boys, and that makes me smile.  I've thought about foster parenting too, and I still think about that being something I'd like to do sometime.  I think it would be very fulfilling, and with my experience in our blended family, I think we could really make a difference there too if we committed to it!

I pray about it often, and we'll see where this crazy journey in life takes us!  Whatever it holds, I'm excited for it!

Every Time I do a D&C I Think of You

I went in for my yearly OBGYN visit recently.  It was sort of an unusual visit as it was my visit after my blighted ovum experience. As I'm laying there, covered in a thin sheet and a silly piece of paper I always manage to tear, my doctor shares with me that every time she's done a D&C since my first one, she thinks of me.  She said she didn't want to pull another "Bethany."  With my feet still in the stirrups and still so *comfortable* in my state of attire, I just kind of nodded.  How do you respond to that?  I'm glad my not so wonderful experience taught you something?  I'm glad I could be your guinea pig?  Thank you for doing it better the second time?  All these things floating in my head, and I just nod hoping I'll be able to be dressed again soon, and that we could have just stayed on our Twilight Saga small talk!

It was a strange experience, and definitely something I'm not interested in repeating, but I am in no way angry at my doctor.  I still think she's basically awesome, and was glad to have her along on the ride with us through out experience.  I just find humor in the conversations that happen with your legs in the stirrups!

My Blighted Ovm Experience

I found out I was pregnant in January.  Shortly there after we discovered it was a blighted ovum.  After doing our best to wait for it to pass naturally, we scheduled my first D&C for the week of my birthday.  (Awesome a timing right?)  A few days after my 24th birthday I had my first D&C.  Things seemed to go fine, and I was slowly adjusting and getting back to normal.

I was having some constipation issues though.  It wasn't the first time I've had this issue after an embarrassing ER visit a few years ago!  At least I knew how to help improve the situation this time.  Well, when the issue was finally resolved, another appeared and there was some serious problems.  I lost a lot of blood from sever bleeding and off the ER we went.

We stumped the doctors.  They didn't know what was going on.  After tests and more tests, I was sent home in the middle of the night to return straight to my regular doctor first thing in the morning.  She was also confused.  We heard the terms weird, shocked, and scratching heads.  She consulted with another doctor in that practice before trying to consult a specialist in a larger city.  After several hours of waiting in the office, a second D&C was scheduled for that afternoon.

The second D&C was a success and they double checked their work via ultrasound immediately after.  It was quite a rough ride for us, and not the way you'd hope your first pregnancy would go, but we've survived, and I feel stronger than ever now.  I can only say that because it's been nearly two months now for me to heal emotionally and physically.

I may not be ready for another baby now, or anytime soon, but I am ready to explore life with a new appreciate for what God's blessed us with.

Halloween 2009

So I heard you were...

The days leading up to Easter Sunday didn't go very smoothly in my house.  A lot of things were said, feelings were, hurt, hard work was complete, and people were just plain tired.  By the time Easter Sunday rolled around, I wasn't looking foward to getting everyone up motiveated for the holiday festivities and then to get off to church, but we did it anyway. 

We got to church a few minutes late, and I flashed back to dad being angry at us for making us and driving past the church when it'd started before we got there.  Luckily we'd gotten Grandma to save seats for us in the church, and we tried to quietly sneak in.  As quietly as you can with two 3 years olds in tow! 

As happens nearly every week in church, the boys had to pee during the sermon.  Muffin and I watiting on Daddy & Tater Tot's return and then off we went.  Muffin did his thing, and on our walk back past the nursery, I was stopped by an old aquaintence from my time in youth group.  He had stopped me for what I think was to congratulate me.  He had a big smile on his face and walked up ready for an awkward hug.  (I am NOT a touchy-feely person.  Unless you're my immediate family or a VERY close friend.  I don't hug.)  He says "So I a hear you're uh...expecting."  I flatly responded no, got the awkward hug over with and headed back into church with my Muffin. 

By the time I'd returned to my seat, I was thinking to myself wondering if I'd done the right thing.  I wasn't wrong, I really am not expecting, but I was, not so long ago.  We had shared with out families and close friends not too long after we'd found out.  News spreads quickly, but apparently not the sad things.  Not only was I concened about how I handled it; I was really somewhat offended.  Did he really think I LOOKED like I was expecting!?  I've been without any form of baby now for over month, but I hadn't gain any weight during the pregnancy.  Not only that I've been working to loose some! 

I still don't know if how I responsed was right or not, but what else is there to say.  In the past month I've mostly responded with medical explination, which really may boarder on oversharing at points, but it's easier than trying to talk emotions. I'm not interested in explaining myself, or  having the awkward oh I'm so sorry, on and on., especially with people I hardly know!  (At least in person.  I think I have a case of keyboard courage!)

Thankful for Spring After a Rough Winter

I don't think there has been a year in my life that I have appreciated and been as thankful for Spring as I am this year.  After a rough second half of winter for my family, and a busy holiday season.  (We had 10 Christmas celebrations in 3 days!)  I was exhausted physically and emotionally.  Loosing our pregnancy gave me a LOT of down time.  It was healing emotionally from a loss and healing physically from TWO D&Cs.  I relied very heavily on my awesome hubby to do the brunt of the housework and kid watching while I slept a LOT. 

After what seemed like forever, I finally started feeling better physically and as the weather got warmer and the rain started coming my mood improved drastically!  I feel like a completely different person than how I felt a few months ago.  I still feel sadness over our loss, but moving on couldn't have come at a better time of the year!

Spring is all about new beginnings, happiness, and in the agriculture world planting season!  I noticed this year that I am just happier now that spring is here.  I notice flowers, the smell, and things I took for granted before.  Beer tasted better, motivation has increased, and I'm looking forward to doing some real work!  I miss a day of physical labor making something great for a purpose.  For me that could be planting flowers in our flowerbeds, weeding, or the most recent event in my house painting!

Over the weekend, my hubby and I painted TWO bedrooms in our house!  The kiddos rooms is now a burnt orange/copper color and our room is a sage green like color!  The kids went to spend the night with my mom, and hubby and I made a darn good painting team!  It just felt good.  And I'm continuing it as I started training for a 5K on Monday!

A Weekend of New Beginnings of Sorts & BAKING!

This past weekend was the first weekend in maybe a month it seems that life in our house may return to normal afterall!  After a rocky month of ups and downs, we finally got back to a more normal routine over the weekend.  As it is never ending we spent most of Saturday cleaning, doing laundry, and I started baking again!  Before kids I LOVED to bake, and did it quite frequently.  It happens much less often, but I still enjoy it! 

After the kids got up from their too short Saturday afternoon nap, we started baking!  Baking with our Kitchenaid mixer is WONDERFUL might I add!  (Thanks Mom!)  We started with a mayonaise cake, which at first hubby REFUSED to let me make saying it would be disgusting.  Well, I refuse to be told what I can and cannot bake!  So I baked it!  I also looked up a recipie for brown sugar frosting to top the cake.  Both of these items are things that 1: I never hear about, and 2: I've never made before!  It turns out the cake is AWESOME!  :) 

Hubby insisted I then make so no-bake cookies, which I protested, but caved in thinking about how simple they are to make.  Unfortunatley I didn't think ahead when making the recipie!  The mayo cake and frosting was simple, throw ingredients in and mix.  So I started to do the same with the no-bake cookies forgetting the chocolaty concotion has to boil!  Opps!  Luckily I caught on before I did TOO much damage.  I added the peanut butter prematurely, and it had to boil with the chocolate.  The cookies taste delicious still, but they're a bit harder and more crumbly than usualy due to the slight mistake in preparation!

Finally I baked Mississippi Mud.  This is a recipie my mom gave me that had belonged to my Grandma Bechtel.  She passed away in the early 1970s, and I never had the opportunity to meet her, but I imagine she was a wonderful person that we would have gotten along with well.  My mom had the recipie becuase this was one of my dad's favorite desserts that his mom used to make.  Having tried to please my dad in making one of her recipies before (lemon sponge pie) I learned I don't always get it right the first time.  I thought I'd try it once BEFORE making it for dad just as a trial run.  The lemon sponge pie turned out awful.  (Lucky for me all dad had to say was that I should try again!)  Luckily, the Mississippi Mud has received compliments so far!  We took it to the in-laws with us yesterday, and it was a hit!  Although my three year olds weren't fans!  Perhaps we'll try again for Dad when he returns from the great state of Wyoming on his snowmobiling vacation!  He's the only one who'll be able to tell us if it's like Grandma's or not!

Can you call it a loss if it never really was?

A month ago today I took my first pregnancy test ever, and surprise, positive!  Hubby's and my excitement rose and we starting thinking about what a new future might be like with a third little one running around, we were increasingly excited about our future.

I went to the first appointment where they gather all your family histories and medical histories etc. solo.  We got a tentative due date, September 7, and things started seeming even more real!  We couldn't have a definite due date since I didn't know the date of my last cycle.

The following week we went in for our 8 week appointment together with excitement and anxiousness to know everything was alright and to get a better idea how far along we might be.  It turned out to be something we never imagined.  At that first appointment, we were given a few possibilities.  1: Perhaps we're only at maybe 6 weeks instead of the predicted 8.  Option 2: Blighted Ovum.

Then started the seemingly endless blood tests and ultrasounds and doctors appointments.  In a matter of days we were hearing what we'd hoped and prayed was not the case.  Ultimately, my hormone levels weren't increasing as they should with a normal pregnancy, and after testing and re-testing the results stayed the same.  There was never any fetal development.  The sac was there as expected with a pregnancy, but there was never any further development.

After waiting for a couple of weeks to pass it on my own, we decided the wait was too much.  We scheduled a D&C for this past Friday.  Although that is complete, my body has not returned to it's normal state.  And emotions are still running high in our house.  I know we're making progress and moving forward, but we're still dealing with a loss of something we had been so excited about and loved.  But in a physical sense, it isn't a loss if it never really was.  To me the loss is still very real.  For me, it's something that will never be forgotten, and when the time is right and God decides, maybe we will have another one running around with our amazing twin boys.  Until then, we deal with it, live, and continue to look forward to the future.  The best is yet to come.