Just Thursday

 

Outside my window...

 it's foggy.

The time is...

8:00 a.m.

Today I feel...

 tired and anxious for the doctor's appointment today.

I am thinking... 

how great it was to work late last night and get caught up at work!

At the moment, I am thankful... 

for my family.

I am going...

to work at home today.

I am wearing...

 my favorite green sweatpants, a 2008 Relay for Life t-shirt, and my slippers.

I wish...

the weather would be nice for the kids to play outside and so we can go to the apple orchard this weekend!

I am reading...

 The Five Love Languages

I am working on...

 things for work. It's picking up again!

I am hoping...

 that our appointment goes well later this morning!

I am hearing...

 our dryer in the basement.

I bet you didn't know...

 I'm keeping a secret.

One of my favorite...

people lives in NY, and we're going to visit her and her family next month!

Weekend Plans.. 

[Friday] Relaxing evening at home.

[Saturday] Apple Orchard (weather permitting) and pie baking

[Sunday] Church and relaxing before a busy week next week

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What happened to my sense of humor?

My husband has been making comments about how I'm such a stick in the mud sometimes, and recently I've been noticing it too.  I don't think it's a real new occurence, but a new realization.  I used to be fun, and find things funny.

Now I just find things annoying.

Where has my sense of humor gone?

A Rainy September Day

I meant to post this yesterday on our actual first anniversary, but I was too busy enjoying the day with my hubby, so I'll share today!

I married my one and on a rainy September day in 2009.  Everyone kept telling me that the rain meant we'd have a long and happy marriage or some crap like that.  I said that it's just what they tell you to make you feel better about it.  What I really think is, gee, thanks.  If it had been sunny would it have not been a long and happy marriage?

The day was everything I'd imaged it to be.  As a planner, it was quite unusual that I was a go with the flow kind of girl for the wedding, but that was intentional on my part!  I know myself too well!  I knew that if I had a detailed plan in place, like part of me yearned to do, that if anything went awry I'd be upset about it.  So, I didn't plan in out to every detail.  I let things just occur, and I loved it!  My expectations were exceeded, everything went smoothly, and we had a great photographer to capture the moments with!  

Our photographer, who has become our photographer of choice, blogs over at Perception Studio: Custom Photography.  Shortly after our wedding she blogged about us!  You can check it out here!

I love that our photographer is young and passionate about what she's doing!  And I love being able to support someone who's basically my age running their own studio!  The fact that she's a horse lover is an added bonus as I myself am a country girl who loves cows!

Crutches. Really?

 After the first two snippets about our wedding, I'd thought I'd share another one.

The week before our wedding, my husband finally had his bachelor party.  I'd been bugging him about getting it in for some time, but well he and his groomsmen aren't always the most prompt people I know.  So the weekend before our wedding it is. 

He went off with his friends for the night, while the kids and I stayed home and had some fun of our own. 

Sunday the kids and I headed out and about, what we were doing, I don't remember, but I do remember the phone call I got when the he returned home.  The conversation went something like this:

Hey, I think I need to go to the emergency room.

Uh, what did you say?

My knee is hurt.  It's swollen, and I can barely walk.

What the hell did you do?  We're getting married in 6 days.  6 DAYS!

Well, I fell, and this morning, I couldn't hardly move.  (At some point later, I learned that what he did was fall while he was at the strip club walking along with a friend, who promptly shouted "man down!"  To my husband's surprise, he was the man down.)

Well can't you wait until tomorrow and just go to the doctor.  We don't really need an emergency room bill right now...

And so he went to the emergency room.  By himself.  (Almost wife fail? Eh, he still married me!)  A few hours later we were all home, and wouldn't you know, he was on crutches!

So the next few days were spent arguing over the use of the crutches.  He argued he didn't need them; I said I don't care, use them now so you can walk down the aisle on our wedding day, and on our honeymoon!

He didn't listen to me, but he did walk down the aisle with me.  And he did walk with me everywhere on the honeymoon.  Although we may have canceled our hiking in the Smoky Mountains plan...

& it continues...

I had hoped yesterday was our tipping point.

After a lot of debating, we decided to send them back to day care today.  Our day care is willing to work with us and find a solution that works for all of us.  So we sent them to day care, and we went to work.

I worked, but I worried too.  A lot.

Finally after lunch I called the day care to check on them.  There hadn't been any big incidents, but he still wasn't listening and doing the right thing all day.

And then I worried some more.

I went to pick the kids up, only to find that our other sign hit another child in the face today and laughed about it. 

Then I loaded the kids up in the car, and I cried...again.

The kids and I went to the store, picked up the things we needed for dinner, and headed home.  The kids were pretty well behaved in the grocery store, and I didn't felt like maybe we could make some progress.

Then dinner came around.  They'd been doing well until dinner time.  They helped; they played; they listened.

We had Honey-Glaze Chicken Stir-Fry for dinner.

Midway through eating, he decided he didn't like it.  He started to throw a tantrum, in which I asked him not to spit out the food as I could tell he was thinking about it.  Not 30 seconds later, chewed up chicken was being spit all over my living room floor.

Hubby moved his chair and had him pick up the mess he made.  I then directed him to go to bed.  He refused, and I ended up carrying him to his bed.  Was we got to his bed, he proceeded to throw his head at full force into my nose.  And now, I have a read, puffy, sore, and throbbing nose, and lots of tears to go with it. 

It wouldn't have taken much at the time for me to cry as it was, and then the waterfall began.

My husband and I are at a loss at what to do.  I'm still asking those questions from yesterday, and come up with even more. 

What if it is something genetic?

What if there really is something wrong with him?

What is it that we're doing wrong?

What can we be doing differently to help him?

The questions continue, my tears continue, my worries continue, and my prayers continue. 

We've got an appointment scheduled for next week with our pediatrician to start to see what some of other options are, and I'm hoping for the best.

My husband and I are planning on going away for the night to Amish Country to celebrate our first wedding anniversary.  The guilt I've felt for being a working mom, and now this guilt, it may be more than I can handle.

I'm continuing to find strength for to continue in this journey of motherhood and praying for the best.

The Day He Was Sent Home From Day Care

Today will be a day I will never forgot in my journey through motherhood.

I've never felt worse working mommy guilt than I do today.

We have had behavioral issues with one of our twin boys the last few months.  There have been problems at home and problems at day care and preschool.  He has a temper that turns on and off with the click of a button, and then there is hitting, throwing, kicking, screaming, and crying tantrums.  There have been many to date.  This past weekend, he went so far as to try to bite me, and he spit in my face.  We have tried time outs, discussions, holding him to stop the violence, ignoring it, removing the situation, and more.  Nothing is changing his behavior.

Today was the straw that broke the camel's back.  I was just getting ready to head to lunch with my friend Shelly, when my hubby called.  He told me they were sending him home from day care for bad behavior.  His preschool teacher was crying when they called hubby to come get him.  I immediately went over to my boss, explained to her the situation with tears streaming down my face.  I then headed to meet them at the day care, where I talked with the director and we both cried some more.

I am worried.  So many things have gone through my head today that it's no surprise I've such a headache I was ready for bed an hour ago!

Did I do something wrong as a mother?

Do I not spend enough time with him?

Is there something wrong with him?

What if there is some long term issue with him?

What if he gets kicked out of the day care permanently?

Would any of this be a problem if I didn't leave them everyday to go to work?

What if this some bizarre after effect of his injuries from the incident?

What if there's something genetic that we don't know about?

The what ifs are going to drive me mad.  He's my boy; I love him.  I want him to be a strong, independent adult, and I want him to be himself, but I don't think this is what is best for him.  I want him to be okay.  I want our family to be okay. 

Please let this just be a bump in the road or a phase that he's going through. 

And so I pray that God will guide is in what's best to help him with.  I can't handle this bad working mommy guilt for long.

Our Wedding Music

 Our first wedding anniversary is coming up, as I mentioned before, so I thought I'd share a post about our wedding planning, not matter how poorly it was done!

Every one commented on how calm, cool, and collected I was, which is SO unusual for me considering most of the time I'm pretty high-strung!  But I had this philosophy that served me VERY well on my wedding day.  "I've planned enough, not nearly as much as some, but it was enough, and if something happens, so what, we'll make it work.  In the end, as long as I'm married to my husband and we have our family, what else matters!?"  Looking back I can't believe I wasn't more nervous as there were like 300 people at our wedding!

I stupidly waiting until nearly the last minute to organize music.  One of my good friends from college, however, was going to be able to sing for us.  I had known a girl in high school that I knew could play the piano very well, and although she couldn't help us, she offered the talents of her older brother!  We trusted them enough to make some of their own selections and go with it to fill the time. 

Mere weeks before the wedding my singing friend calls, she can sing.  She's got a role in a musical that is performing, which is her dream job!  Ok, so we'll just have piano music, no biggie, other than being sad that my good friend wouldn't be able to attend our wedding!

THEN, not a week later, our pianist calls.  He broke his hand.  He can't play.

Crap.

Disney recordings here we come.

That was RUDE.

Last night we had my parents up for dinner.  (By dinner I mean we ordered pizza for everyone because I was lazy.)

As we all sat around the table eating and talking, my dad burped at the table.  This conversation between he and Caleb followed.

Papa: *burp*

Caleb: Papa, that was very rude.

Papa: Oh, I'm sorry.

Caleb: Do you do that at home?

Papa: Well, only sometimes. (I think Papa may have told a fib...!)

Caleb: Then don't do it here either!

Papa: Oh, okay.

Caleb: You should go to time out.

Papa: I should?

Caleb: You burp at the table, you go to time out.

And then papa exits the room towards the time out chair and ends up on the couch!

The rest of us, sat at the table laughing.

What do you want to be when you grow up?

When I picked the boys up from school today; they told me what they wanted to be when they grew up.

Caden was showing me the picture he drew at school today of him as a teacher.  Our conversation went like this:

Why aren't you smiling?

Because it's a teacher.

Oh, teachers don't smile?

No, they just go like this:

Shortly after that, Caleb told Daddy, who was on speaker phone that he needed "baby scissors" to cut out his police man hat.

Cereal

My boys love cereal for breakfast, so much so that when I offer to make pancakes on the weekends, they often turn them down for cereal instead.  We go through phases of what the best cereal is by the week.  Usually whatever we have in the pantry.

Currently, that is Kix.  Caden especially loves Kix.

At night before bed, he asks for them in the morning.  In the morning, he asks for them for breakfast.

Only the funny part of the story is that he calls them "kick balls."  So his requests are for "kick balls and milk please mommy/daddy!"

It makes me giggle every time!

This is Joe Davis...

With our first wedding anniversary, I'm hoping to have a few post in the next couple weeks about our courtship and wedding, and maybe even one about our honeymoon, sparring the details of course!  (Did I just say courtship?  Do people still use that word??)

The first time my now husband had the courage to call me, he prank called me.

Yes, really.

We'd talked enough during and after work in the parking lots enough for him to know a few things about me this time, he had even asked me out over myspace by then, which I said now to.  Neither one of us even have a myspace anymore.

I said no because I already had plans that day, but I did give him my phone number.

The summer I met him I spent a lot of time out and about, traveling the stating and living life as a party.  Once every other week or so I needed a night to catch up and sleep.  I'd come home from work and just sleep until the next morning.  It worked out pretty well!

He happened to call on one of those nights.  When he called he woke me up, and the conversation went something like this:

A very groggy hello.

Yes, hi, this is Joe Davis.  I'm calling because my vacuum pump went out.

Oh recently?  Are you calling to have it fixed?  (This is one of the many things my dad does as a service man to dairy farming operations.)

Yes.  (Then he continues to spew some information that sounds accurate.  He milked cows on a dairy farm growing up.)

Well, hold on a minute, let me find one of the guys to see how they can help you.  (As I stumble out of bed to go find my dad in the house somewhere.)

Hey, it's Keith.  Just kidding.

What!? 

And then we talked for hours I'm sure.

We Finished the Basement!

Before:

After:

We've gotten rid of the bowl chair, added buffet, and hung some things on the wall since this photo!

That clock sitting on top of that crate of storage for the toys, has since been hung on the wall!  And that pile of crap through the doorway has been all put away too!

Say goodbye to that coffee table and added another chair to sit and watch the fireplace!

More photos later, with the fish tank in too.

First Day of Preschool

 September 8, 2010

Man Shoes

This past winter was not a good time for me.  Looking back I know that.  At the time, I thought it was just me.

But during that time, I decided I hated wearing anything but flat shoes.  No heels for me, and I thought I'd never wear them again.  Boy have I changed my mind, as I've been wearing them nearly everyday lately! 

I bought these shoes one day.

I brought them home.  Keith looked at them, and said they look like men's shoes.  I shrugged it off; what does he know!?

Then one morning the boys were helping me get dressed.  I occasioanly let them pick out shoes for me.  It doesn't always turn out the best, and I sometimes change anyway, but they have fun. 

This morning, the boys pulled these shoes out of my closet and proceed to ask why daddy's shoes are in my closet. 

Please ignore my legs. I would never wear these shoes without pants.  It is purely for the shoe look!

That's the day, I gave in.  Ok, they look like man shoes, but I like them and their comfortable.  Ever since they've been called my man shoes.  They got me through this past winter though!  I may wear them again this winter, but I will probably become more feminie and not wear them as a part of my daily attire.  Perhaps just on casual Friday when I wear jeans.

Although, since I have what has to be the first cold of cold and flu season this week, I thought about wearing them today with the cooler weather! I resisted and wore much cuter flats, but my heels paid for it with a lovely blister!

More Children?

Today was the due date of our baby.

I've since moved on, and really came to an acceptance of it.  That first month or two were pretty difficult times for me.  I relied on my husband a lot to keep our home and family moving, I was a couch potato.  It took all I had to go to work everyday and make it through it.  This is one of the main drivers that got me starting running.  (More about my running later!)

This summer, I spent a lot of time evaluating my life, deciding what I want, and prioritizing.  I am more comfortable with myself now than I have ever been.  I think God had a plan; I think I needed to have this time to take a look at myself, my family, and my marriage before we were prepared to introduce another little blessing into our family.  (I'm confident we would have been wonderful if we'd had a baby today though too.)

But as I've grown to this adult I am now, another child has been in the back of my mind since the day we discovered we weren't going to be having a baby this year.  Immediately following my surgeries and the steps back to a normal life, I was adamantly against it.  I wasn't mentally prepared for it, and I wasn't sure it was what I wanted.

We could be happy as a family of four.  There are a lot of opportunities and things you can do with two kids, that you can't do with 4.  (I feel strongly about having an even number of kids.)  Our family is already slightly complicated, and adding more kids to it would only further that. 

Then there is the option of a dog.  Which I've also thought about lately.  I was in a big I want a dog phase after we lost our pregnancy.  It's what I wanted to fill that hole.  Luckily, I had enough sense not to do it, but I still think about it sometimes, but if there's a chance we're going to have more kids, I'm not ready for a dog!  One think I know, I do want a dog in the future.  When is the question here too!

More recently I've started thinking about what a big family would mean.  I've thought about how great it would be for there to be siblings to support each other into adult hood.  I've wanted a sister since I got my baby brother at the age of 2.  And even now, sometimes I think about what it would be like to have a sister, while I can't guarantee that I'd have boys are girls, they're siblings that they would hopefully build lasting relationships with.  I've thought about how when we're old it'd be so wonderful to have a big family gather with all of our children.  (I love having gatherings at our house!)  I thought about how I don't want them to be too far apart from the twins in age, and how a family of six might be.  (I think I'd need a bigger kitchen table!)  And I was ready for it.  Well, maybe not just yet, but soon!  (We have a trip to Disney planned with the four of us, my parents, and my in-laws for the boys 5th birthdays in May.  I certainly don't want to be pregnant for that trip!)

Then, there was our Labor Day Picnic this year.  Sparing all the family drama, I'll give you the short story, because I've clearly had plenty of other things to say judging by the length of this post.

My husband comes from a family of 4 plus 3 more step-siblings.  It's what I'd call a pretty large family, and there is often drama.  We hosted a picnic some of our family this weekend, and wouldn't you know, my two Sister-in-Laws got into a fight right there in my driveway.  Fortunately, I was inside my house, but I know a few people came inside shortly afterward because of the uncomfortable feeling of it all, and the party ended shortly there after.  I think my Mother-in-Law was embarrassed by their behavior. 

My husband and I were talking about the day later that evening, and what happens in big families.  The increased chance for fights and that dreaded drama.  My husband admits, his family may not be the best pictures to paint of a larger family, but it has me thinking about the possibilities in a larger family.  My hope is that we would raise our kids so that those concerns of mine wouldn't be an issue, but I can't guarantee that either. 

And now, I'm on the fence again and back to where I was before.  A family of four, or a family of six?

And if we choose to go for more, I worry.  What if our next attempt at pregnancy fails too?  I'm not prepared to deal with the emotional stress of that again.  But I've thought about adoption too, it's something I've always wanted to do, and it's unofficially happened for me with my boys, and that makes me smile.  I've thought about foster parenting too, and I still think about that being something I'd like to do sometime.  I think it would be very fulfilling, and with my experience in our blended family, I think we could really make a difference there too if we committed to it!

I pray about it often, and we'll see where this crazy journey in life takes us!  Whatever it holds, I'm excited for it!

Questions I Wish I Didn't Have to Answer

Tonight we had a scheduled visit for the boys with their biological mother.

It is one of my *cough* favorite times of the month.  (I wish there was a good way for sarcasm to show in text format.)  I think I'd rather it be that time of the month every two weeks than sit through these visits, but I know it is important for those boys to understand and know who they are.  So every two weeks, I put a smile on my face, and we talk about going to their other mommy's house. 

Tonight, on the way home from day care, they were asking questions about it as usual and I was answering them.  Tonight, they had a question that brought tears to my eyes.  Their questions went something like this:

We're going to Camerin's house?

Why Camerin no come to our house?

Why Camerin no come sleep in his bed anymore?

Why Camerin no come play at our house?

And as I quickly thought through my head what I should say, I opted for the truth. 

Camerin doesn't want to come play at our house anymore sweeties.  I'm sorry.

And that's all there was to say.  I couldn't lie to them.  It wasn't right.


My boys look up to their big brother.  They love him, and they love play with him.  And when he suddenly stop coming to our house every other weekend, the boys never said too much about it, until now.  It breaks my heart to disappoint them, especially for something so silly to me.  Camerin informed my husband a month or so ago that he didn't want to come stay at our house anymore.  He wasn't going to come stay at our house until his brothers could come and stay at his house.  (Due to circumstances and safety, that will not be happening.)  But to us, we're concerned he'll regret the decisions he's made as a 7 year old, but mostly I pray for them.  When asked, his mother informed us he was old enough to make his own life decision.  

 I hope my boys are able to maintain a relationship with their brother.  Regardless of the situation, they are brothers, and that is a relationship that should last a lifetime.  So, I pray for all of them/us.

Story Book Forest

I completely forgot in my last post about our time in Soak Zone during our PA and NJ vacation!

Before we headed for ice cream and Story Book Forest, we spent the hottest few hours of the day enjoying the splish, splash of the water in Soak Zone!  The kids like running around in the water, even if it was super crowded.  We were there in some of the hottest days of the summer this past July!  I don't have any photos from the water park; we decided we'd better not risk the camera!

Don't worry though, I have plenty of photos to share from Story Book Forest!

I really enjoyed Story Book Forest.  I wish we'd done a better job preparing the boys for what they were about to see.  There were several stories that they weren't familiar with.  Some of them were even hard for me to recall.  Of course that made me feel old, but I think it's just because new things have replaced older memories.

A Question You Shouldn't Ask in a Hospital

Last night, after a long day of waiting at the hospital, my Dad and I were getting ready to go home. 

My mom's nurse walked us out of that area of the hospital. 

On that walk, my Dad asked the nurse: "How many people do you loose here in a day?"

As in, this building is so large and complicated, how do people not get lost getting from one place to the next, which Dad did then clarify.

However, upon first asking the question, the nurse, nor I understood his objective. 

I'm sure you can imagine what we might have been thinking.  There was an awkward silence following the question.

Oh what a day yesterday was.