I haven't been blogging regularly for awhile. Life has gotten busy, and I haven't had much to say. I've several posts started and drafted and some are just waiting to have pictures inserted, but I haven't made it a priority. I'm okay with that. After all, I blog for myself because I need an outlet, and it works. Today, I have something to say.
Tonight my family of four was gathered around out table for supper.
The topic of conversation was started when Caleb was telling Daddy what to do. I asked Caleb if was the daddy. Caden immediately stated that someday he would be the daddy someday. Ohh! In excitement I tell him Mommy and Daddy would like that because then we'll be a grandma and grandpa, but we're in no hurry for that!
But it was all down hill from there.
The conversation continued with the boy talking about how his future would be. It included things about moving into his own house. He changed his mind between living in one house with his twin and having separate houses. They talked about having children and who would visit them.
The question of who their mommy and daddy would be when they moved into their own place. Daddy took the lead and explained that that wouldn't change. But he had already made his decision. He's going to move out and Camerin's mommy is going to move in with him. We were then going to be another child's mommy and daddy. It evolved into him living with Camerin's mommy, and us still belonging to another child.
He spoke with such excitement and joy in his voice.
I know he's not old enough to understand. I know his 4 year old brain can't even begin to comprehend the situation.
My heart breaks for my boys. My heart breaks into a few pieces for them that they don't have a real relationship with their mother, even though I'm confident that my relationship with them as their mother is stronger, and better for them as individuals. My hearts breaks into more pieces, knowing that the primary reason is due to near abandonment from their biological mother. Pieces that can't comprehend the choices she made in lack of proper care. Pieces that can't begin to understand the feeling my children will feel when their understand, when they really understand the extent of it.
I know in time we will all be whole, but this insight into his 4 year old mind, worries me. I worry I won't be able to heal all the pain.
I think he remembers more of his life with her than we know. I think he thinks about it a lot. My two boys had a very different relationship with their mother and brother; they handle it very different. I worry that it may be the reason of some of our struggles with acceptable behavior.
But most of all, I fear having to slowly explain to them and answer their questions as their curiosity continues. My husband and I have together decided they are to always know the truth when they ask questions about what happened/is happening. I fear that day may be sooner than expected, even if it is at a very high level.
I pray for guidance and strength as we continue on this parenthood journey in a very different kind of blended family.
Tuesday, February 15, 2011
Wednesday, February 02, 2011
Daddy's Singing
My husband and I danced to Edwin McCain's I'll Be on our wedding day, and it has been ever since one of our songs. The other(s) maybe more embarassing than I'm ready to share!
I have my phone set to a clip of this song for my ringtone when hubby calls me. The boys have picked up on the ringtone and are always announcing "Daddy's calling!"
Today, while we're snowed in, the song came on the radio.
The boys ran to me in the kitchen saying "Daddy's singing! Where's Daddy, he's on the radio!"
This makes my hectic work at home, mommying, puppy mommying, laundry doing, snow day not so bad. It may have even helped put a different perspective on it.
Today is also my 200th post! I started blogging February 27, 2010, almost a year ago. I started blogging to deal with our failed pregnancy. I needed an outlet, and I needed to find people like me. I also had a story to tell, which I have told in time, and that didn't come with ease. But I put myself out there, and I've found people to relate to. Blogging has lead me to other blogs and twitter, and an amazing community that help keep me sane thanks to you followers!
I have my phone set to a clip of this song for my ringtone when hubby calls me. The boys have picked up on the ringtone and are always announcing "Daddy's calling!"
Today, while we're snowed in, the song came on the radio.
The boys ran to me in the kitchen saying "Daddy's singing! Where's Daddy, he's on the radio!"
This makes my hectic work at home, mommying, puppy mommying, laundry doing, snow day not so bad. It may have even helped put a different perspective on it.
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Today is also my 200th post! I started blogging February 27, 2010, almost a year ago. I started blogging to deal with our failed pregnancy. I needed an outlet, and I needed to find people like me. I also had a story to tell, which I have told in time, and that didn't come with ease. But I put myself out there, and I've found people to relate to. Blogging has lead me to other blogs and twitter, and an amazing community that help keep me sane thanks to you followers!
Wednesday, January 26, 2011
Where are you now?
This morning after my yoga class, I was getting showered and ready for work in the locker room when I heard this song playing for the first time. I really enjoyed it and wanted to share with you all.
I love the whole song, but there are parts of it that really just speak to me.
Where are you now?
To my favorite teacher
told me never give up
To my fifth grade crush
Who I thought I really loved
To the guys I've missed and the girls we've kissed
Where are you now
To my ex-best friends
Don't know how we grew apart
To my favorite band
Sing along in my car
To the face I see in my memory
Where are you now
Where are you now?
Cause I'm thinking of you
You showed me how
How to live like I do
If it wasn't for you
I would never be who I am
To my first girlfriend
I thought for sure was the one
To my last girlfriend
Sorry that I screwed it up
To the ones I loved
Didn't show it enough
Where are you now
Where are you now
Cause I'm thinking of you
You showed me how
How to live like I do
If it wasn't for you
I would never be who I am
I know we'll never see those days again
And things will never be that way again
But that's just how it goes
People change but I know
I won't forget you
To the ones who came
Who we're there from the start
To the love that left
And took a piece of my heart
To the few who'd swear
They'd never go anywhere
Where are you now?
Where are you now?
Cause I'm thinking of you
You showed me how
How to live like I do
If it wasn't for you
I would never be how I am
If it wasn't for you
I would never be who I am
If it wasn't for you
I'd be nothing
Where are you now?
told me never give up
To my fifth grade crush
Who I thought I really loved
To the guys I've missed and the girls we've kissed
Where are you now
To my ex-best friends
Don't know how we grew apart
To my favorite band
Sing along in my car
To the face I see in my memory
Where are you now
Where are you now?
Cause I'm thinking of you
You showed me how
How to live like I do
If it wasn't for you
I would never be who I am
To my first girlfriend
I thought for sure was the one
To my last girlfriend
Sorry that I screwed it up
To the ones I loved
Didn't show it enough
Where are you now
Where are you now
Cause I'm thinking of you
You showed me how
How to live like I do
If it wasn't for you
I would never be who I am
I know we'll never see those days again
And things will never be that way again
But that's just how it goes
People change but I know
I won't forget you
To the ones who came
Who we're there from the start
To the love that left
And took a piece of my heart
To the few who'd swear
They'd never go anywhere
Where are you now?
Where are you now?
Cause I'm thinking of you
You showed me how
How to live like I do
If it wasn't for you
I would never be how I am
If it wasn't for you
I would never be who I am
If it wasn't for you
I'd be nothing
Where are you now?
Monday, January 24, 2011
Flip Flops
Monday nights during the winter, my husband takes the boys to swim lessons.
Here in Ohio, we haven't seen the grass of our yards for weeks, months even.
This makes the conversation that happened in our mini-van on the way from day care today all the more interesting.
Caden: Can we wear our flip flops to swim tonight?
Mommy: No.
Caden: But Daddy's said we could.
Caleb: No, Daddy said in the summer!
Caden: *whines*
Mommy: Can't you see the snow on the ground?? If you wear your flip flops, your toes will get frostbite, you could get gangrene, and your toes could fall of. Do you still want to wear your flip flops?
Caleb: Yeah your toes will fall off!
Caden: Oh.
**I don't normally use scare tactics with my children, but on this yucky, cold, sickly Monday, it worked.
Here in Ohio, we haven't seen the grass of our yards for weeks, months even.
This makes the conversation that happened in our mini-van on the way from day care today all the more interesting.
Caden: Can we wear our flip flops to swim tonight?
Mommy: No.
Caden: But Daddy's said we could.
Caleb: No, Daddy said in the summer!
Caden: *whines*
Mommy: Can't you see the snow on the ground?? If you wear your flip flops, your toes will get frostbite, you could get gangrene, and your toes could fall of. Do you still want to wear your flip flops?
Caleb: Yeah your toes will fall off!
Caden: Oh.
**I don't normally use scare tactics with my children, but on this yucky, cold, sickly Monday, it worked.
Sunday, January 23, 2011
A Simlified Time of the Year
It's a common time of year for people to complain about how dull winter is, and how they dislike this time of year.
I love January, and the next few months until the arrival of Spring.
Why do I love this time of year when so many people dislike it so much?
Life is simpler for us this time of year. And for me simplicity is something I strive for in our hectic family life.
We've just seen all our family members over the holidays. We've visited, we've ate, we've drank, we've gave; we've received; and we've spent. The running to this gathering and this party has nearly stopped; our family has all recently seen us and are content. Our bank accounts are all a little worse for the wear, and no one is calling and asking to go here, or come to this. It's just simpler.
It's a time for us to enjoy our home and our family of four as we snuggle on the couch with movies and popcorn to keep us warm from the frigid cold outside. We hibernate; we're not rushing around; we're not busy and stressed. We just enjoying a more simple life this time of year.
And that is priceless.
It give me time to rest, reflect, and re-energize for the chaos that consumes the spring, summer, and into the fall.
Don't get me wrong; I've always said I don't think I could live somewhere where the seasons didn't change as they do here in Ohio, and I still believe that. I love each season for it's own merits and what it brings.
So many people are just waiting it out until Spring. I encourage you to think about what is great about this wintery time of the year and don't left life pass you by.
I love January, and the next few months until the arrival of Spring.
Why do I love this time of year when so many people dislike it so much?
Life is simpler for us this time of year. And for me simplicity is something I strive for in our hectic family life.
We've just seen all our family members over the holidays. We've visited, we've ate, we've drank, we've gave; we've received; and we've spent. The running to this gathering and this party has nearly stopped; our family has all recently seen us and are content. Our bank accounts are all a little worse for the wear, and no one is calling and asking to go here, or come to this. It's just simpler.
It's a time for us to enjoy our home and our family of four as we snuggle on the couch with movies and popcorn to keep us warm from the frigid cold outside. We hibernate; we're not rushing around; we're not busy and stressed. We just enjoying a more simple life this time of year.
And that is priceless.
It give me time to rest, reflect, and re-energize for the chaos that consumes the spring, summer, and into the fall.
Don't get me wrong; I've always said I don't think I could live somewhere where the seasons didn't change as they do here in Ohio, and I still believe that. I love each season for it's own merits and what it brings.
So many people are just waiting it out until Spring. I encourage you to think about what is great about this wintery time of the year and don't left life pass you by.
Thursday, January 06, 2011
Who makes hotdogs and people?
Tonight during supper the boys were asking about how things are made.
It started out with the spaghetti we were eating for supper. The sauce is made of tomatoes, the bread is made from grain. The milk comes from cows. The cheese comes from the milk.
Then they branched out to other foods. They wanted to know about meatloaf and macaroni. (Some of our favorites.) On we went talking about our food.
Then they asked what hot dogs were made of.
I paused.
Then I answered with pigs and cows. They didn't think anything of it.
Then they asked about people. Who makes people?
I paused again.
God, I answered.
It started out with the spaghetti we were eating for supper. The sauce is made of tomatoes, the bread is made from grain. The milk comes from cows. The cheese comes from the milk.
Then they branched out to other foods. They wanted to know about meatloaf and macaroni. (Some of our favorites.) On we went talking about our food.
Then they asked what hot dogs were made of.
I paused.
Then I answered with pigs and cows. They didn't think anything of it.
Then they asked about people. Who makes people?
I paused again.
God, I answered.
Tuesday, January 04, 2011
50 States
Someday I'd like to be able to say I've traveled to all 50 states.
I only have 16 more to go!
Alaska
Arkansas
Connecticut
Hawaii
Iowa
Maine
Massachusetts
New Hampshire
New Mexico
North Dakota
Oklahoma
Oregon
Rhode Island
Texas
Vermont
Washington
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