Tuesday, February 15, 2011

I have something to say.

I haven't been blogging regularly for awhile.  Life has gotten busy, and I haven't had much to say.  I've several posts started and drafted and some are just waiting to have pictures inserted, but I haven't made it a priority.  I'm okay with that.  After all, I blog for myself because I need an outlet, and it works.  Today, I have something to say.

Tonight my family of four was gathered around out table for supper.

The topic of conversation was started when Caleb was telling Daddy what to do.  I asked Caleb if was the daddy.  Caden immediately stated that someday he would be the daddy someday.  Ohh!  In excitement I tell him Mommy and Daddy would like that because then we'll be a grandma and grandpa, but we're in no hurry for that!

But it was all down hill from there.

The conversation continued with the boy talking about how his future would be.  It included things about moving into his own house.  He changed his mind between living in one house with his twin and having separate houses.  They talked about having children and who would visit them.

The question of who their mommy and daddy would be when they moved into their own place.  Daddy took the lead and explained that that wouldn't change.  But he had already made his decision.  He's going to move out and Camerin's mommy is going to move in with him.  We were then going to be another child's mommy and daddy.  It evolved into him living with Camerin's mommy, and us still belonging to another child.

He spoke with such excitement and joy in his voice. 

I know he's not old enough to understand.  I know his 4 year old brain can't even begin to comprehend the situation.

My heart breaks for my boys.  My heart breaks into a few pieces for them that they don't have a real relationship with their mother, even though I'm confident that my relationship with them as their mother is stronger, and better for them as individuals.  My hearts breaks into more pieces, knowing that the primary reason is due to near abandonment from their biological mother.  Pieces that can't comprehend the choices she made in lack of proper care.  Pieces that can't begin to understand the feeling my children will feel when their understand, when they really understand the extent of it. 

I know in time we will all be whole, but this insight into his 4 year old mind, worries me.  I worry I won't be able to heal all the pain. 

I think he remembers more of his life with her than we know.  I think he thinks about it a lot.  My two boys had a very different relationship with their mother and brother; they handle it very different.  I worry that it may be the reason of some of our struggles with acceptable behavior. 

But most of all, I fear having to slowly explain to them and answer their questions as their curiosity continues.  My husband and I have together decided they are to always know the truth when they ask questions about what happened/is happening.  I fear that day may be sooner than expected, even if it is at a very high level.  

I pray for guidance and strength as we continue on this parenthood journey in a very different kind of blended family. 
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